The Power of Doubt

I’ve been making good progress on revising DEALING WITH DEMONS.  Sometimes it’s frustrating, and depressing, but for the most part, I feel good about what I’m writing.

It’s shocking, really, how quickly all my excitement about my book can be dashed.

My sister started reading the revised stuff.  It is a lot better than what it was originally, and she agrees.  She’s the only person that’s been here since the birth of Jacky.  She likes it a lot more, thinks it’s a lot better.

But when compared with something I started for shits and giggles, she likes the other one more.  Because it’s different.  And it is.

So now I’m doubting myself.  Should Jacky really be the books I spend so much time and effort on when they’re not original (the later books are more original, she says, but the only one that really matters is the first one.  If that one doesn’t sell, none of them will) when I could be working on this pretty unique idea?

I don’t know.  Jacky is my brainchild.  I’ve ready plenty of blogs from authors and agents that say sometimes the only way to succeed is to give up on one brainchild, and start working on another.

I don’t know what to do, and I hate that feeling.  It’s a feeling that makes me feel lost, and alone, and not quite frightened, but unsure.  It’s been so hard, battling my own doubts.  Now I have doubts built on the foundation of confirmation.  How do you shake something like that?  Or should you even try?  Maybe I should work on FBL (FAERIE BAD LUCK) and get it ready and polished, and try to get it published.  Then, once I’m established with that, I could shoot for the Jacky books to get their chance in the limelight.

But, if I did that, I wouldn’t reach my goal of being ready to query before 2010.  I only have five chapters written of FBL.  I’d have to finish writing it, revise it, polish it, and with school quickly approaching, and me taking a full course load, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to get it done.

Usually blogging helps get my thoughts in order, helps me figure things out.  This time, it hasn’t helped.  I’m not sure what it’s going to take to get it figured out.  But whatever I decide to do, I need to decide quickly.  Summer is being eaten away, and once school starts, it’ll be hard to get much of anything except homework done.

Meh.  I need time, but time is the one thing I can’t have.

Revising Blues

I’ve never liked revising.  Things have not changed in the five years I’ve been writing seriously.  I mean, I usually get so sick of it that I’d rather just rewrite the entire flipping book, than revising it chapter after chapter, page after page.

I’ve no idea how to fix this problem of mine, but I imagine I’ll get over it.  Except for the stray chapter, DEALING WITH DEMONS really only needs some revising.  You know.  Tidy up this bit.  Get the description of that character just right.

It’d tedious, and boring, and I want to be done.

I’m only on chapter eight.  *sob*

But I figure, one chapter a day.  If I finish one chapter every day, I’ll be finished revising in just a bit over a month.  There will be some chapters that need re-writing, and those will take at least two days.  And some just need to be yoinked out completely.  Those won’t take much time at all.  So a month.

I can have this finished in a month, and then spend until december agonizing over query letters.  Not looking forward to that, either.  But, whatever.  This is what I want to be doing.  That means that I have to suck it up when there’s something I don’t want to do, and do it anyway.

Let’s hear it for learning to be a mature and responsible adult.

Troubles Are EW

Chapter seven of DEALING WITH DEMONS turned out to be a re-write. It happens, even when you’re supposed to be revising. I knew before I shoved away from shore that there were going to be some chapters that just didn’t work, and others that would need a lot of spackle and paint before they’d be reader worthy.

The fact that chapter seven is the first chapter that’s needed serious rewriting is a good sign. It means I don’t have to write the entire book again.

Progress has been made.

The problem is my left hand. I’m not exactly sure what I’ve done to it, but it aches. A deep, almost gentle ache that doesn’t hurt so much as remind me that there’s something wrong with my hand. Something wrong that doesn’t like being at the computer for hours on end, writing and playing wow.

It’s not carpal tunnel. It’s not my wrist that hurts me. It’s a spot on the back of my hand, between thumb and index finger. It’d been bothering me for a while, but I slammed into a wall, braced hands first, while playing with the puppy, and my wrist sang out in something very closely akin to agony. That was friday night. It hasn’t gotten much better since.

Ice helps. Ignoring it helps. I’m hoping I didn’t do something to really mess up my hand. Because, lets face it, I’m not like my dancer sister. I’m not a huge fan of pain, and I don’t want pain to be associated with what I love to do.

But I can tell you one thing. I’m not going to let it stop me from doing what I love to do.

You Know You’re a Writer When….

At orientation yesterday, the English advisor was talking about the different majors.  And what they required.  Most of the people gathered round were planning on majoring in Teaching.  There were a couple planning to major in just straight English, and one person majoring in Tech Writing.  There were three or four of us raising our hands to say we wanted to major in Creative Writing.

Of the four, I think I was the only one excited by the prospect of doing a portfolio.  Or, in other words, a major’s project.  

Which will include researching magazines/journals that publish our genre of writing.  Submitting work to said magazines/journals, and doing a public reading.

It was probably the public reading that got the other three CW majors.  I was too excited about the prospect of writing stuff and putting it together and sharing it with others to be freaked by the thought of a public reading.

Actually, I’m kinda looking forward to it.

See.  Writer.  ^_^

No, I’m Not Dead, and When to Ignore a Beta Reader

It’s be a looooooong while since I’ve done a blog.  At least here.  I’ve done a couple over at DeviantArt.  Mostly because I started a new project while waiting for my beta readers, and since I have no intention of trying to get it published, I have no issues sticking it up for the masses to read.

I should probably stick up a donation thing.  I need to eat too, you know.

Despite how it’s appeared, I’m not really dead.  I’ve even managed to get work done on DEALING WITH DEMONS.  Not a ton, mind you, because my beta readers are fail.  They only ever send me stuff when I poke them with sharp objects.  And it’s almost to the point where I need to go stabbing again.  

Mostly, I’ve been busy being manic depressive (I hate spring.  I hate summer.  I wish I could stay in a cave and not come out again until fall.) having fun in the wonderful World of Warcraft, reading Jim Butcher, and facing the idiocy of bureaucracy that is University.  I’ve been writing at my new story a bit, FAERIE BAD LUCK, and I’ve been slowly chipping away at revising Jacky.  I’m on chapter six now.

See.  Not dead.  So on to the next topic.

When to Ignore a Beta Reader

I love my beta readers.  They’re a good group.  Really.  They’re very helpful.  The problem is, one has made assumptions, and glossed over details, and its affected the last two chapters she’s sent me.  The problem is, her advice is still good, even if I don’t agree with most of it.

Which leaves me wondering.  Should I rewrite this chapter, which after talking to her I’d planned to do, or do I ignore her well intentioned advice and leave it?  My other beta readers didn’t have the same issues.  They point out a couple of inconsistencies and things that confused them.  That’s cool.  That’s what beta readers are for.

But confusing a non-vampire for a vampire, thinking the two are the same (when they are sooooooo totally NOT) saying one of my descriptions was purple prose when it wasn’t.  Purple prose, in my book, is needlessly wordy description, often involving comparisons of persons to flowers, and renaming a person’s special bits so that it makes it less “dirty.”  You know what I mean.  ”Her creamy mounds.”  ”His quivering member.”  (Do they really quiver?  I mean, do they really?)  ”Her icy blue orbs.”  That, my friends, is purple prose.  You can just say “her white breasts.”  ”His warm cock.”  ”Her cold blue eyes.”  

When I say “His voice was deep and quiet and it blended perfectly with the shadows, was echoed by them, and reverberated from the darkness until it seemed it hadn’t been him that’d spoken at all, but the very night itself.”  that is exactly what I mean.  I don’t mean “His voice was deep and soft.”  I mean his voice was LITERALLY echoed by the shadows.  

Though, I admit, that last bit, “until it seemed it hadn’t been him that’d spoken at all, but the very night itself,” might be a little over the top.

But hey.  Jacky’s supposed to be scared of her mind.  Fear can make the littlest noise into a hulking monster.  Why not go a bit over the top?

So I disagree with my beta reader.  I don’t think it’s purple prose.  Just over the top.  And the only thing Bane and Revenant have in common is their hair is dark.  Bane’s is dark brown, and held back in a short tail.  Revenant’s is black and hangs in a mess of snarls to mid-back.  Bane dresses casually.  Rev does the whole punk-ass-gothic-biker-badass look.  Bane is HUMAN.  Rev is a vampire.  

Maybe I didn’t describe them well enough?

Kay.  Rant about my boys is over.

I come back to my question, though.  Should I ignore her, because the last two chapters clearly baffled her (I’m half convinced she didn’t actually read them through, just skimmed, but she says she read it, and I trust her).  Should I follow the advice I agree with?  But if I did that, then what would be the point of having beta readers, right?

And the biggy.  Should I rewrite this chapter?  Or maybe just the beginning of it?  One of the problems my beta reader had was that there are three encounter, three new characters introduced, in the span of three chapters, at the same location.  But it fits.  It makes sense to me.  It seems to make sense to my other two beta readers.  Or, at least, they haven’t said anything about it not fitting, about it being silly and unplausible.  

Honestly, though?  I just can’t think of another order in which the characters are introduced.  Demon waits for Jacky at home.  Hurts her by his mere presence, leaves.  New neighbor comes to introduce himself (maybe I should make it late the next after noon?  I never mention time until the third chapter, but really, why would her neighbor be dropping by to say hi at o’thirty-in-the-god-forsaken-witching-hour?) She goes to bed (here’s where it’d be rewritten to having a dream) wakes up, is scared shitless and threatend by vampire.  After the demon had warned her to get wards installed, and to take self-defense lessons.  I was shooting for irony, with that one.  

Either I missed the mark completely, or my BR just didn’t get it.  Hard to tell which it is.

And back to the dilemma!

I was pleased how this chapter came out when I first wrote it.  I’m still pleased with it.  There are some points that need clarifying, and a bit more description, but do I really need to go and scrap it?

No.  I think not.  A simple change of timeline would help things make more sense, I do believe.

So there.  I worked out my problem on my own.  I can act on all the advice given me, without throwing away all that stuff that I think works.  It’s a win-win situation.

And if she still doesn’t like it, then pooh on her.  She’s never been huge into the whole vampire culture anyway. =P

Things That Eat Your Soul

A brief list:

Crocheting
World of Warcraft
Books
Boredom
School
Summer Vacation
Friends

All of these add up to the simple sum of little to no writing done in the last three or four months. Part of it is the waiting on beta readers to give me their feedback on DEALING WITH DEMONS so I can continue with the revising. I’ve long ago discovered that my OCD makes it really hard for me to work on multiple writing projects at once. It’s like going out to dinner. I eat all of one side, then the other, then the main dish. There’s no taking a bite of this, and some of that. Nope. It has to be all one thing at one time.

Don’t know why. That’s just the way I’ve always been.

Anyway! Know that you’ve learned a strange detail about me that you probably didn’t really want to know, back to the topic at hand.

Creative writing was great, though again, I couldn’t work on short stories and Jacky at the same time. When I work on something, I give all of myself to it until it’s done. (At least with writing. Art is another matter.) I expected that once school was out, I’d start back into the writing. Unfortunately this is not so. A lot of things happened the last two weeks of school, things that were more emotionally draining than mere finals. I’m still recovering from it, and heaven only knows how long that’s going to take. Hopefully not too long. I miss playing with Jacky and all our friends.

So I write a bit here and there, but not like I did before school. Life will go on, though. Writing will go on. It just might be a little slow in coming.

On a side note, we’re going to be turning my sister’s old room into an office. Until that’s done, I’m stuck with my laptop, since I don’t want to unpack my desktop, then have to move it around in a couple weeks. No big deal, really. Just another thing that’s going to eat up time and energy and steal a bit of my soul away from the things I really want to be doing.

A Little Puzzled

I rewrote a chapter of HERE BE VAMPIRES.  Mostly because work on DEALING WITH DEMONS is temporarily placed on hold.  I like it much better, though it let to something I wasn’t planning on happening in this book.  Which is fine.  It ups the conflict.  It works.

The problem is what’s next.

See, I know what I want to have happen, I just don’t know how to get there.  Probably because it’s one of those things I have a hard time wrapping my mind around.  Angry sex.  I just can’t figure out what would happen to lead up to it, or what would happen after it’s finished.

Suppose I just need to write it down and see how it goes.  

But not right now.  Right now I am off to class.

A Bit of What’s Going On

WoW ate my soul.  

‘Nough said.

No, but really?  One of the major problems is waiting on my beta readers.  I’ve gotten the chapters I need back from one of them.  There was some good stuff there, but not enough that I felt comfortable diving into revising Ch. 4.  Unfortunately, due to life, my other two betas haven’t had much time or energy to go through more.  

So I haven’t been doing much writing.

The lack of writing threw me into a really rotten mood.  Of course, I didn’t know I was constantly angry because I wasn’t writing.  I didn’t realize that until I started working on a short story for my class yesterday.  Oh.  Look.  Writing makes me happy.  It filters out all those bad emotions and puts them to rest.  

Lesson learned.  I need to write more, even when I’m not working on Jacky.

This week is kinda hellish.  There’s no internet in the apartment for the first time since December.  This hasn’t made me happy.  Being able to drop the overwhelming stressful Human Biology does make me happy.  Now if only I can catch the teacher tomorrow before I have to leave.  I mean, I guess I could wait until thursday, catch him between classes, but I’d rather not have to race home, race to pack, and then race to the airport.

Because my best friend is getting married this Saturday, and I’m a maid of honor.  A break from school the week after spring break is pretty awesome.  

So, sorry for the silence.  I can’t promise that there’s going to be an end to it any time soon.  I’ll try to be better about my public ranting habits, though.

Killing Time

Here I am, doing a net group activity in creative writing, but because the people in my group are going over my story, I really have nothing to do.  So, here I am.  Blogging. 

I’d kinda like to pull out and work on DEALING WITH DEMONS, but I’d feel guilt about working on it, when really, I should be working on the story for the class.  It started with “The Incredible Roommates,” but it’s changed.  Of course it has.  It wasn’t really a short story, and that’s what I need for this class.  The new beginning is nice.  The tensions are good.  It’ll be more interesting.  

I just want to work on Jacky, though.

So, while the professor isn’t in the room, that’s what I’m going to do.

School is Death to Creativity

I’ll admit that it’s just not school that’s shot the progress on my book in the foot.  A certain amount of time has been going into playing WoW as well.  Though, now that I’m over that initial starry-eyed can’t-get-enough stage, it’s easier to pull myself from the game to put my attention to things I have to do.  Like homework.  It’s harder to do it for revisions.

Part of it is waiting on my two new beta readers.  I don’t want to get too far into the book, then have to go back to make additional changes to chapters I’ve already fixed.  Especially with the first nine chapters or so, because they follow the original book so closely.  The original book that I rewrote twice, and edited the beginning of at least three times.  To be honest, I’m getting kind of sick of it.  I’m looking forward to slaughtering the later chapters, the new stuff, because it’s still new.  But the beginning has that been-there-done-that feeling.  Why would I want to take time from a game to do something that I’ve already done upteen zillion times before?

Because I want to get this book published.

Jacky’s been feeling neglected lately, and I can tell.  Normally the characters of Jacky are not the last things I think about when I go to bed.  They have been.  All weekend.  I have to focus hard to keep my thoughts from straying to Jacky when I’m trying to go to sleep.  Because once I start thinking about it, the ideas, the characters, the things I can do to make their lives hell, then I know I’m not going to be sleeping any time soon.  So no thinking about my books before bed.

Still, I have been thinking about them.  I’ve thought of things I’d like to do in a new book.  Great things that will either screw Jacky up permanently, ruin her relationship with her guardian angel, or get a piece of her soul sold to Lusivar.  (Satan, if you will, but not the devil.  A devil is a completely different beast and a demon, and my Satan is a demon.  Anyway…)

I read the first chapter of DEALING WITH DEMONS, and she did something she wouldn’t have done–maybe couldn’t have done–a year or two ago.  She had some good points, and good ideas.  She didn’t just say “that’s so good,” like she used to.  If she had more time in her life, I’d actually sign her up as a beta reader, but alas, if I waited on her, I’d never get it done.  Never ever.

Which leaves me thinking.  Maybe I shouldn’t wait.  Maybe I should take what I have and run with it.  Though that leaves me with only one chapter to work on.  Poking my BRs just might be in order.  I suddenly have a yen to work on the revisions.

And that, my friends, is the entire reason for blogging.